I'm wasted, losing time
by Cirro
Summary: There are broken pieces of glass lodged in his throat, and Sanji has never felt so bitter.


"I'm sick of being useless, Zoro!" The words rattle in his throat like shards of broken glass, and he can only glare at Zoro because he feels like the floor has been ripped from under his feet. He's falling into the dark, and he's _terrified_. He stares at Zoro and waits for him to say something, anything to fill the silence that makes him want to throw up. But Zoro only stares back at him mournfully, an expression that makes Sanji recoil.

Zoro's leaning against the back wall of the galley, half shrouded in shadow, arms loosely crossed in a vague attempt to appear casual but it doesn't work. It looks stiff and awkward like Zoro doesn't know what to do with the rest of his limbs, and it's like he's uncomfortable in his own skin. It's unnatural and it's not Zoro at all, and Sanji _hates_ it.

Outside the silent galley there's a small explosion that vibrates across the deck. He hears Franky yell "SUPER" and the boys cheering enthusiastically, Brook's lilting laugh trailing at the end. The girls' voices filter through, but he can't make out what they're saying. Their laughter makes Sanji shake, and he can feel his hands trembling. He feels so cold and empty, it disgusts him. He's being selfish, but he doesn't know what to do.

They're leaving him behind.

"It's just…is there anything I can do?" Sanji asks. His voice wavers and he grits his teeth in frustration. He squeezes his eyes shut, digging the knuckles of his clenched fists into his eyelids until he can see bursts of colour come to life in sickening shades of green and purple. It makes his stomach roil.

Sanji lets out a gust of breath that makes his lungs shudder, emotions stretched to a breaking point. He drops his hands to his sides and waits. He has all the time in the world, now.

When Zoro speaks, his voice is quiet and can be barely heard. Sanji has to hold his breath to hear him.

"_I'm sorry."_

And it's that pathetic excuse for an apology that makes Sanji explode. He launches himself forward and kicks, for once, with the intent to kill. Zoro makes no move to get out of the way and that just makes Sanji angrier. He slams his foot down beside Zoro's head, breathing hard and wound up so tight he feels like he'll snap in half. The silence is suffocating. Zoro looks up at Sanji evenly and doesn't flinch.

"You're a fucking bastard." Sanji spits out, red licking at the edges of his vision. He can barely see straight through the haze of anger, and he's shaking so hard he's surprised he hasn't fallen apart yet.

"_I'm sorry."_ Zoro says again. There's a pinched look around his eyes and the corner of his mouth, and, despite everything, Sanji understands. The rage leaves Sanji in a rush, and he's only left with a gaping emptiness.

He glances from Zoro's face to where he's slammed his foot. There are no cracks in the wood, no impression from his shoe. He hasn't made a sound. He taps his shoe against the wall but he doesn't feel the vibrations that should be there, doesn't hear his tapping echoed back at him.

Sanji can't feel anything.

The cold creeps back in, and Sanji lets out a hysterical laugh that tears at the edges of his throat. Glass shards are filling his mouth, cutting against his desperate smile. There's no blood because he doesn't have any left to bleed.

He's drained.

Sanji drops to his knees beside his friend and lover and everything in between, their relationship always something undefinable. His smile contorts and breaks into a grimace. He feels his throat constrict, and he tries to swallow past the lump of glass to stave off the sobs that threaten to shake him apart. His fingernails dig into the wood between them, and Sanji wants to pick at the splinters until his hands are raw and numb. Zoro looks at him with this guilt filled expression like he knows what Sanji's thinking, and it makes him want to scream.

Instead, he searches for Zoro's hand and pretends that he can still feel the warmth of his fingers. He stares numbly when his own fingers pass through Zoro's without resistance, the wood of the Sunny's galley floor visible through his translucent palm. Zoro doesn't try to touch him.

Sanji feels nothing even as he falls, a heavy darkness drowning him.

"_I'm sorry,"_ Zoro had said.

Sanji doesn't know if he can forgive him.

* * *

Originally posted on September 10, 2014. Title from the lyrics of "Smother" by Daughter.


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